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| I know, I know...no cape. |
What are my qualifications? Why, dear friend, much like you
(or someone you know for those of you non-martyrs reading this), I, too, was
once a martyr. I had all the symptoms and outbursts. I even went through DTs
whenever there wasn’t someone around to give me sympathy. The worst of it all,
I didn’t even realize I was a martyr, at least not to the extent that I was. I
thought that, because I was less dramatic than other martyrs I knew, I was
fine. But sometimes, oh, sometimes that mirror looks a whole lot like somebody
else when it’s you looking in it.
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| And this woman just realized what mirrors really do... |
How did I become reformed? It wasn’t easy. And, depending on whom you ask, I haven’t finished yet. That’s to be expected, though; martyrdom is like drug addiction. The attention makes you feel, for a short while, like you actually matter in the universe and nothing else can make you feel that way. But, as soon as you realize what you’ve done, you feel like shit and can’t seem to undo any of the damage you’ve caused. So you cause more to cover up what you’ve done wrong, and the cycle continues…
But, I’m working on it. And to do so, I’ve had to take up a four
mantras. Yes, only four. They may sound self-righteous at first, but believe
me, they make all the difference in the world in how you perceive people and
how other people perceive you. So, crack out your notebook, grasshopper; these
are going to be on the test.
#1: Take responsibility for the decisions YOU make because
YOU chose to make them.
I’ve rewritten this mantra about six times to get it all in
one statement, and I think I finally have it. Martyrs are notorious for blaming
others for the decisions they make, especially when something bad happens
because of that decision. “Well, so-and-so wanted me to try this great
shellfish appetizer even though I have an allergy; I didn’t want her to be
upset with me.”
Hitch, 2005
That’s a goofy example, but I’m using it to make a point. I
did things like this so often. It was a learned trait that I never knew was wrong,
but once someone pointed it out, it was like I had won life. You are the only
person who can decide what to make YOU do. Yes, even when a gun is put to your
head, you make that final decision to live or die. How can you learn from a
mistake that you refuse to admit you made? How will things ever get better if you can’t stop and
admit what YOU’ve done wrong?
As with any other recovery program, the first step is admitting
you have a problem, or in this case, taking responsibility for the ones you’ve
caused.
#2: Life is a sum of the good things and bad things…don’t
dwell on the bad.
I should have changed my name to Chicken Little when I was
in college. Even though some serious shit was actually going wrong in my life—my
then boyfriend had been shipped off to Iraq, my mother and I were become
estranged, my work and college lives were completely stressing me out—nobody
could see past all the daily crises of which roommate didn’t wash the dishes or
why I was being required to do some new task at work. To us martyrs, the world
is always ending. It’s never your fault that it’s ending, nor can you see how
just one or two readjustments on your end will fix the problem; it’s just
ending and that’s that.
CJ Maltby
Nuts are flying at my face!
Yes, this is MUCH easier said than done, and to be honest,
this is where I’m struggling the most in my own reformation. But I see the
light more and more every day, and it’s beautiful.
#3: Nobody owes you anything.
Oh, I struggled with whether this one or the next one should
be the most important (and thus last on the list), but since this one is easier
to master, it got bumped. Martyrdom is all about making others feel guilty
because they “owe you” for something you’ve done for them or given them or sometimes
just because you exist. I wish I could go back in time and smack myself every
time I made Corey feel like he owed me something just for being my boyfriend. Nobody
should ever be made to feel like they are indebted to you in that way, unless
they are actually indebted to you because you’ve lent them money or an object
of some sort—that’s totally different.
Then, sick Enforcer on them
Yes, you are a special snowflake on this special planet that
shouldn’t even have the amount of sentient life that it does, but that does NOT
mean that all the other sentient beings owe you something in return. And that
ESPECIALLY doesn’t mean you should do things for people just SO they owe you in
the future.
As a martyr, you look at everyone else in terms of what they
can do for you instead of who they are. Once you stop doing that, once you just
allow yourself to do things for other people because you want to (see #1), your
relationships will be so much fuller and happier. I didn’t realize how many
real friends I had in my life until I took on this mantra, and I can only hope
I’m becoming more and more of a real friend to them. It’s amazing how great
life can be (see #2) when you start seeing people as people instead of your “servants.”
#4: YOU owe nothing to anyone.
This one is much harder to accept, and it relates back to #1
but in a much deeper context. I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing or human
thing, but whenever someone has done something for us, we often feel like we
should “get them back.” Many of us do this with our jobs where we feel like we
owe our boss to do a good job or with our friends where we feel like we should
give up our own moments of happiness for theirs. I felt this way for most of my
life. My family went through pains to take care of me when they didn’t have to,
so I always felt like I owed them for any successes of my life. But my
psychologist (LOVE her! Seriously, OS friends…if you need one, message me; she’s
amazing) made me realize that I had one seriously fucked up definition of
family. I went through my whole life thinking that anything I ever did right I
needed to attribute to my family because they raised me. I felt like a victim,
a martyr to my own family because I “owed” them for my life.
NO! That’s so important, I’m going to repeat that in bigger
font.
HELL NO!
You owe nobody anything. You are your own person who is
allowed to have your own life. Whether someone is actively making you feel this
way or you are just assuming you owe them (as I often did), you need to shake
that right now because you will always be a victim until you take control. We feel bad saying, “No,” but your life is
just that: YOURS. Unwillingly giving part of it to someone else because you
feel like you have to just breeds resentment and leads you back to 1, 2, and 3 above.
Try this: whenever someone asks you to do something, even if
you think you might say yes, say instead, “Let me think about it and I’ll get
back to you.” Unless it’s super urgent and super important (which is rarer than
you might think), getting this little bit of distance between the request and
the answer will do wonders for your impression of that person and your
relationship. I could go into a whole bunch more detail here about how the way
the person responds reflects the type of friend or family member he or she is,
but just know that you’ll realize who you really want to spend your time with
when you start saying this to others. And the best part: you’ll have your life
back! 
Happy faces all around!
I hope my mantras helped. It’s going to be a rough battle,
you’ll lose a lot of friends and family members from your “callousness,” and
you’ll fall off the wagon now and again, but you’ll feel much lighter with that
crown of thorns off your head. You’ll begin actually to like people again, and
they’ll start to like you! So, go forth,
young grasshopper. Remember the mantras. Or, if four is too many, then just
remember this one:
“It’s your life—every decision, every moment, every outcome
is up to you—even the way you perceive it. So don’t fuck it up.”
J
