This post will probably do more harm than good, but my heart
needs this and so it must be said. If anything I say here causes any harm or
pain in any way, please, please, please let me know. Bottling things up only
makes whatever it is worse, and that is the opposite of what this blog is
intending. So, please, talk to me; I love you all, my family and friends, far
too much to let this shit lie dormant any longer.
As the Effexor in my system has been decreasing, my
introspection has been increasing, and there are certain thoughts and feelings
which keep popping up again and again and can no longer be ignored. For
starters…
1. I feel like I am losing my family.
My relationship with my family is…indescribable.
Not because they are horrible or anything; quite the opposite. But because, for
most of my life, I have felt like they think I think I’m better than them. I
wish I could explain why this is the case; I don’t think that way nor have I
intentionally acted in that way, but there have been comments made by various
members at various times which have led me to wonder if they do think that.
If so, then I must say now, with
absolute volition and clarity, that I surely do NOT feel that way. Not even in
the slightest. I may be different than my family, but I am in no way BETTER.
And that’s okay to be different, it’s normal to be different, but that doesn’t
mean I look down on them or think any less of them. Every family has its ups
and downs, and every family has its controversies, and we’re no different, but
just because I don’t participate in those controversies doesn’t mean I think
any less of them. They are utterly awesome. Every member of my family is
amazing at something that I could only wish to be great at: my grandfather is fantastic
at wood-working, my mother is ridiculously creative and determined, my brother
is way smarter than he gives himself credit for, my uncle is super resilient
and brave, my aunt is open and loving, my cousin is ridiculously musically
talented, the list goes on and on. I love them all so much, and it hurts me to
wonder if they really think of me in such a way.
Which is why I worry I’m losing
them. I know I’ve stated in the past, both in calm times and in angry ones,
that I don’t like how involved my family can be, but to be completely honest,
that involvement is how we show we love one another. And since moving to
England, I feel like my family has all but forgotten me. This seems petty, but
when you’re alone in another country, without the comforts of home, simple care
packages and messages/calls make all the difference. And the only person to
send me anything (apart from mail) has been my grandfather and his partner.
This was particularly painful last year, when I was alone on my 30th
birthday, and barely got a phone call or two. I never let on that it hurt me so
much, but it did, because I was going through some serious stuff at the time,
and I really could have benefited from having my whole family there for
support.
Side note: Please do not respond
with “Well, if you love your family that much, you shouldn’t have left.” There
are a lot of reasons I left, the least of which was my family. I needed to find
a “home” and as much as I love my family, Ocean Springs has never, even when I
was growing up, felt like “home.” So that statement doesn’t really apply.
Moving on….
I have had messages from other
members of my family, members whom I did not expect to be there (more on that
later), and for that I am grateful. And yes, I know the time difference is huge
(6 hours) and communication works two ways, but I’ve reached out to them. I’ve sent
them gifts, messaged or called on holidays and birthdays and at random times to
check how they’re doing, and yet…maybe I’m just being overly sensitive.
Logically, I know that they may just not have the time available that I do (I
AM just a student and part-time employee), but I worry they’re mad at me. For
what, I do not know, but it still hurts. And when I’m hurting, well….
2. I'm not very good at negative emotions.
I really wish I knew why this was
the case, but alas, psychotherapy has so far not helped me to understand nor fix
it as of yet. All I do know is that whenever I get frustrated or angry, rather
than deal with the emotion, I tend to wall up and strike back. Or completely
ignore the person/situation. Neither of which are good, solid, healthy
responses. Whether or not I’ve been justified in my anger/position or not, I’ve
said some hurtful things to and about my family, and that isn’t a good thing. I
know it’s “normal” to do so, but I still worry I’ve caused some permanent rifts.
And with family, that makes for very uncomfortable reunions.
In the case of feeling “left out,”
I’ve started distancing myself in response (that whole “ignoring the situation”
thing from above), which doesn’t do anybody any good, but there it is. I’ve
stopped making the effort to call anybody or keep in touch beyond a simple ‘like’
on Facebook (again, more on that in a bit). And although I am now actively participating
in this lack of communication, it makes me angrier that it’s still happening. I
feel like I’m making all the effort (even if that’s an over-exaggeration—remember,
this post is just about my feelings, whether they’re appropriate or not),
which makes me communicate even less with them, which makes them communicate
less with me….you get the picture.
But how to break the cycle? Well,
this blog is a first step, I hope. It’s a way for me to express all of these
negative emotions in a place where A) I know they can be seen and B) I feel
safe about being honest. See, that’s another problem I have: I cannot be
completely honest about my negative emotions. Oh, I can be properly blunt when
the situation calls for it and where feelings are easily mended, but something
like this, where I know I’m probably in the wrong for some of it, I cannot face
head on. I usually just turn into an ostrich and hope my back end doesn’t take
too much of a beating while the storm passes. Which makes communicating even
more difficult, particularly because….
3. Facebook is disconnecting me from everyone.
Facebook is great and has quickly
become the ONLY way people communicate today, which sucks for me, being born at
the dawn of the digital age, because I still desire a more personalised
approach. You can blame it on me being a woman if you want to, but no Facebook
or WhatsApp message beats a phone call or webcam. There’s a connection when you
are actually responding, in real time, to someone else. And although Facebook,
Twitter, WhatsApp, and all those wonderful programmes do keep me loosely
connected to the US, they only do it LOOSELY; I don’t feel like anybody really
cares about me or what I’m doing. Not really.
(Again, I know this is an
overexaggeration, but these are just my feelings, regardless of their appropriateness
or correctness)
I do have some amazing friends who
make it a point to reach out to me, outside of FB—Heather, Sergio and Dennis, Thomas,
Laura—and family members who have messaged me when I’ve been feeling down—Angie,
Debbie, Laurie, Jason—in an effort to show me they care. But I still feel so
distant from my immediate family. Rarely do they message or call, outside of
Facebook, to see how I’m doing. The first year I was here, I would try to call
people but I was just getting used to using Skype through my phone, and my
phone wasn’t always the best, so either my calls would get dropped or it wouldn’t let me leave
voicemails (seriously, so annoying). I did eventually work it out and started
making phone calls to family members, but again, I was calling them. And after
a while, I stopped making the effort.
The caveat to this is my brother,
Stacy. He actually calls my Skype number and chats with me, particularly when
he was going through rough patches and just needed someone to talk to. I
actually feel, on some level, like me moving to the UK has strengthened our
relationship in some ways.
But again, this isn’t me bashing
my family; I’m actually bashing Facebook because I honestly think that’s a big
reason why I feel so disconnected. It’s much easier to just comment on a status
or send a quick message than take the time to call or Skype because those quick
comments fit more easily into our daily lives. We don’t have to worry about
time differences or stopping what we’re doing to talk because on the Internet,
time doesn’t exist. And most of us have Facebook on our phones, so we can do it
while we’re at the doctor’s office or on the toilet (neither of which are great
places to have a phone conversation). And I know I should start making more of
an effort (I tried on Father’s Day, but I think my Skype messed up again,
because both phones just rang and rang without even going to a voice mail—which I
know both my grandfather and uncle have), but it doesn’t negate the fact that I
feel…disconnected.
I didn’t intend this whole post to be about my family, but
they are really whom I miss the most. I miss knowing I can talk to them at any
time or knowing how things are going in their lives. I miss hearing about the
great parties they throw or accomplishments they’re achieving. I miss just
being involved. And I know a large part of my disconnection is on my part,
which is something I am willing and able to fix. However, I also need to know
that it’ll be reciprocated because otherwise, the cycle will just continue, and
I’ll become even more disconnected, which is what I don’t want.
I will end on this, in the event that this was (well, it is)
a bit TL;DR: To anybody, but my family in particular, I just want to say:
I’M SORRY IF I’VE
HURT YOU; PLEASE LET ME BACK INTO YOUR LIVES; I LOVE AND MISS YOU ALL!
