I would like to apologize in advance as there are no pictures to accompany this post. There could be, but I honestly could not be bothered searching them out and linking them. Make of it what you will....
I am still amazed at the way God works sometimes. You think
you’re led down a path for one reason only to discover the true one much later
(and often with a much more profound effect). I thought I was coming to England
to “find” myself, in the sense that I would find a place to belong, a culture
more suited to my tastes. What I found was exactly the same thing as Ocean
Springs but with different accents. People are people wherever you go, it
seems, and what I left behind in Ocean Springs is no worse than here, only
different.
What I have found, though, is an understanding about
something which has plagued my life since I was born. In developing my essays
and delving into the psychoanalytic elements of myths, I now know why I was so immediately
drawn to apply at Essex. I didn’t even apply to any other universities in
England once I found the Myth, Literature, and Unconscious program. Aside from
the fact that I was so interested in the topic of the self during my graduate
classes at South Alabama, what I’ve come to realize is that I was meant to be
here. I wasn’t meant to find myself; I was meant to find Persephone.
Throughout my studies here, I have been eternally drawn to
the combined archetype of the Kore/Persephone, the “Eternal Maiden,” and her older
counterpart Demeter, the “Great Mother.” That the entirety of a woman’s existence
could represented by one myth fascinates me and fits with so much of what I’ve
already believed about females: regardless of what we nurture, we are bound to
nurture, and it is the realization and actualization of this nurturing aspect
which transitions us from girlhood to womanhood. But there’s more to Demeter
(the Great Mother) and Persephone (the Maiden) than I realized. So much more
that contrary to what I was originally feeling, I cannot wait to see my own
mother next week because, well, because she’s my mother.
My mother and I have a very strained relationship. That I
normally wouldn’t admit to this where she could acknowledge it is another
aspect of the Persephone-Demeter relationship, but regardless. On one hand, we
are extremely close, always have been. Growing up without a stable father, she
was both mother and father to me. It wasn’t until I hit puberty that I began to
separate myself from her. We are very different people, so much so that we
rarely have conversations beyond family life and drama. However, we are also
very, very alike, as most daughters realize about themselves as they grow
older.
This dichotomy of my relationship with my mother is not
abnormal. I used to think it was, but after this year, I realize acknowledging and
accepting the normality of it is the hard part. You see, Demeter and Persephone
are more than just representatives of the Eternal Feminine. They are
representatives of the process every woman must go through with their own
mother and daughter (if they have one). The reason my mother and I have such a
strained relationship is that we are simply in the Winter Stage of our
relationship.
That would probably make more sense if I were to explain the
myth a little bit. Anybody with a basic knowledge of Greek myths knows how
Persephone was stolen by Hades, and Demeter, as the terrestrial Earth Goddess,
started the first winter when she regressed into a deep depression until
Persephone was returned to her, which represents spring. But there is much,
MUCH more to it than that.
I won’t go into it too much, but just from the little bit I’ve
read, the stages of the myth are stages of womanhood. Demeter and Persephone
(pre-Hades) are mother and girl as mother’s self-object. The girl is a
reflection of the mother, which is why the mother loves her and attaches
herself so tightly; to lose the girl is to lose the self. This could be seen as
the Summer Stage of the myth: everything is perfect and blossoming and bright
because everybody is naively happy, just like most young summer romances.
Lamenting Demeter and lost Persephone are representatives of
the daughter moving into womanhood; think puberty until mid-thirties. Demeter’s
depression is less that she’s lost her daughter and more that she’s lost
herself; she has defined herself as “Persephone’s Mother” for so long and
without her is without an identity. Persephone, too, is no longer “Demeter’s
Daughter” now that she’s in the Underworld and has “eaten Hades’ pomegranate seed,”
(yeah, because that’s not sexual, at all…)but she also isn’t a mother yet,
either. She’s stuck in this hazy place of unknowing who she is and who she
belongs to. This is the formidable “Queen of the Underworld” that she
represents in other myths; not knowing who you are can create a very angry and
vengeful state. Neither woman is happy and has hidden herself from others:
a.k.a. Winter Stage.
I relate all this because I’ve realized that I am in my “Queen
of the Underworld” state. I don’t yet have a purpose beyond existing, which
really kind of sucks when you think about it because if we don’t have a reason
for living, then why live at all? But knowing this helps me relate to my mother in a different way because I know she’s
in her “lamenting Demeter” state. I’ve always been there for my mother as her
reflection, doing and accomplishing things she always wanted to. Her “living
vicariously through me” is not an unsaid statement in my family. But it’s
because she hasn’t found herself yet. Because she was so proud of me and my
accomplishments, she willingly identified herself as “Brittany’s Mother”; once
I wanted to separate myself from her and become “Brittany,” she lost the
identity she had held onto for so long. Anything that creates such a trauma is
bound to make you attack the cause with anger and resentment. And because she
fights my desire to separate myself (and because, to some extent, I have the
narcissistic need for her to practically worship me like she did), I resent her
resentment. We’ve been this way since I was 14; hence the strained
relationship.
But recognizing that this is a natural and immortal way of
dealing with each other has made me realize how much I really do still need
her. We may not get along but we’re destined not to…yet. Not until she becomes
Bautro (I forget the actually name, but she’s a woman in the myth who brings
Demeter out of her depression by flaunting the freedom and happiness one could
have while being an old crone) and I become Demeter myself will we find common
ground. Regardless of whether my mother ever finds freedom and happiness in
being an “old crone,” I will always need her, no matter who I represent. She’s
the only one who can help me find my own Persephone when I’ve finally become a
Demeter, too. And maybe that’s the mystery Demeter discovers and teaches at
Eleusius: mother and daughter are forever
the same woman, just at different stages; it’s the overcoming and acceptance of
those differences that will lead to a higher state of love. And if there’s one
thing my mother has always had for me, it’s love.
