Yes, I am blogging again. No, I have no idea how often I will do so. I hope I will do it regularly but I also know that I have promised to keep this up many times before and failed, so better to air on the side of caution...
But I do need to get some things off my chest. And as not everybody reads my blog, it is a great place to put things out into the world without worrying too much about who will read them...
It was not a bad year by any means but I was definitely the worst version of myself that I have ever been.
From the very start of the year to its very end, I have made incredibly stupid, bad choices; allowed myself to be drawn into the most negative of spaces; and just generally acted in the most un-Brittany manner possible.
After the survival mode I lived in during 2022, I guess all the anger and resentment I didn't deal with overwhelmed me. Rather than help me feel better, it has just destroyed all my relationships, including the one with my son.
But no more. I am done with negativity. I am done with relishing in my own negativity and harbouring others'. I want to get back to being the fun, vivacious, ambitious and free-spirited Brittany I have always prided myself to be.
I need to be a better mom, a better woman, a better human all around.
And so, with that, I want to declare some 2024 goals.
No, not "resolutions." Resolutions always end in failure, which always end up making me feel worse than I started. Instead, I want to establish some goals. That way, if I don't achieve them this year, I'm not a failure. I'm just not there yet.
Goal #1: Stop yelling.
How did I become my mother in all the worse possible ways? Rather than take on her best mothering qualities (like her determination and "momma bear"ness), I apparently only inherited her predilection for yelling as a form of communication.
Which has, over this past year, severed any relationship I had with my son.
I need to fix that. And only I can fix that by stopping my yelling. It won't happen overnight but it needs to happen to fix our relationship.
Because I'm losing him already, at 7, and I can't bear that.
Goal #2: Establish myself in the academic world.
Part of the problem I've had with the last 2 years is that I haven't felt like "Brittany." I'm only ever a mother, a teacher, a girlfriend or somebody else's sounding board. And none of those things serve me.
I mean, they serve my desire to be those things but none of them allow me to do what's best for me. But feeling clever does. Working towards a goal does. And that goal is a position teaching at a university.
How do I do that? By getting published and presenting at conferences. I aim to get at least two journal articles published and present at at least one or two conferences this year.
I already have some plans. I just have to stop being lazy about the execution.
Goal #3: Rethink my health and wellbeing.
I defined myself as a runner before. I enjoyed running. It was easy and I could do it whenever and wherever.
But...I was 26 and childless when I started running. I turn 40 this year and I've had three kids. I am not the same person I was physically or mentally. I need to rethink how I approach my health and wellbeing now, and start looking at other ways to lose weight and feel good about myself.
Hopefully, finding new ways to feel good about myself will make me actually feel good about myself. And that will, hopefully, make me do good with myself.
There are many other goals but they are all minor and fall under those three main goals above (like "go back to church" falls under goal 3 and "stay consistent with my writing job to pay off bills" falls under goal 2), but as long as I can achieve those 3 main goals above, I will feel accomplished. And more myself.
Happy 2024, everybody! I wish you all the health and happiness you deserve!!!!
