Phase Shift...Engage!

"If you could be any animal, what would you be?"

A common-place question designed to get children to think about their personalities and qualities (or those they hoped for) in terms of an animal analogy.
"I think I'm sweet and cuddly, so I would be a bunny."
"I want to be ferocious and feared, so I would be a lion."
"I like to play, so I would be a dog."

My answer? "I would be a chameleon!"

Yes, bow to the awesome power of my horns

I have always given that answer. I think at one point I said I would be a tiger, but that wasn't because I was like a tiger; I just wanted to know what it was like to rip something to pieces with my just my teeth. No, I related most with chameleons. Why? Well, let's do a break down of their characteristics:

1. Blending in Abilities: Chameleons are distinctly different in that they have the ability to blend in by changing their color at any point in time.  At one point, people thought this was for camoflage. We now know that chameleons can change color for a number of reasons: temperature, light, mood.

This doesn't mean I'm in a "loving" mood, if you catch my drift.

I always found myself fascinated by this idea--to blend in by changing oneself. Other animals can blend in, but only because they already look like what they are trying to emulate. Chameleons can actually change their color to match whatever they are associating with. And I really relate to that.

I have always felt relatively...odd. I'm not like other people. And no, not in the "I'm unique--just like everybody else" mentality. I mean, seriously different. Put me in a room with one or two people, and I'll do just fine. I can charm the pants off of those two. Put me in a room with five to ten people, especially people who know each other better than me, and I'll sit back and watch before I make any reactions. I have to assess who I need to be before I can "be" anybody. It's the way I've always been. If I try to be "myself" (whoever that is), I always end up making people cock an eyebrow because I've said something absolutely out of the realm of polite conversation.

What da fuk you jus say?

Yes, yes, everybody deals with this, I know. But I deal with it in a way that paralyzes me. The internet has allowed me to deal with my weirdness a little better (thank you Cracked.com for showing me that other people think and feel the same way I do!), but I still find myself adjusting who I am when placed in a room of five or more people. A defense mechanism, if you will. Speaking of defense mechanisms...

2. Defensive Stances. Chameleons can make themselves appear larger when threatened. Like many other animals, they can "puff up" to drive away predators who then find the chameleon too big for their liking.

 

"Puff up, puff up. They hate that!"



Apparently (and I just found this out from my students a few years ago) when I get really threatened or defensive, I seem taller than I am. My students are always surprised to stand next to me when I am in sandals or tennis shoes because they think I'm so much bigger. It's a human trait, sure, but I have always been "bigger and badder" than people who attack me. You're a 6 foot 1 tennis player who could wipe me out with one backhand? So what! I'll crack out my crazy on you and get right up in your face! You have six other chicks standing behind you who are willing to jump me? Okay, bring it, ho-bag! Imma whoop all yo asses!

My barechested manservant will help by blinding you.

For the record, I'm all of 5 foot 3 and a half (the half is important) and, for most of my life, weighed a buck ten. I was whooping absolutely no ass if someone wanted to call me on it.

But it always worked. I guess my crazy scared them or something, but when I would "puff up" and meet these people head on like I had nothing to lose, they would back down. And yes, I say "my crazy" because, I  would make claims like "I know enough police officers in this town that will ignore it if you go missing" or "There's a track of land my family owns that has a bayou running along the back of it; want to go see if there are any friendly gators in it?"



3. Periodic Shedding. Chameleons shed their skin to make room as they grow. Caterpillars turn into butterflies, but that's the only change they make. Chameleons shed their entire outer skin layer periodically every few months to a year. As they get older, the time between shedding gets longer, but by the time they are finished, they still look the same as they did, but they are, in fact, entirely different. 



Butterflies ain't got nothin' on this shit.



This is the other big reason I identify with chameleons (and reptiles in general). Every few years, I shed myself to make room for a new me. Not in the way others grow and change where they envelope their old lives as part of some new interest or development. No, I am like a reptile in that every three or four years, I shed everything of my old life and start fresh.

It starts with little things like changing my hair color or cut. Then, it branches out to finding new hobbies, which lead to new friends, which lead to new interests and more new friends, which leads to more new interests. By the time I'm done (around a 1-2 years later), I have stopped talking to all of my previous friends, abandoned any hobbies I was previously interested in, replaced all of my clothes with whatever new style I found my "new" self attracted to, bought a new car, moved into a new place, and often have a new job.

I've grown out of my "mom" phase; you'll do just fine on your own, right?

When I was younger, this made sense. All pre-teens and teenagers are going through a period of "finding themselves." I got comfortable with the rotating of friend groups and interests every semester or so, and I was lucky enough that when I found myself moving back towards a previous group, those people were fairly kind about welcoming me back into the fold. Now, though, it's a little more complicated.

I realized it this year when I noticed how different my clothing style had become and how much I was changing in a very short period of time. I have been slowly changing over the last two years, since my grandmother died, because I realized after her death that I was unhappy with the way I was living my life. I thought that if I just made little changes, I would be a happier person and closer to the type of person she was. Well, those little changes led to more little changes and...now, I'm living in a new apartment with a closet full of brand new clothes, contemplating my brand new future of being a PhD student yet I'm stuck because there are a lot of people and relationships in my "previous" phase shift that I don't want to lose but who feel like square pegs in my round hole.

Ooooh, I should probably change that analogy. Nah, I'll leave it. You're welcome.

I guess this is a part of growing up that I never knew about, learning which whims to act upon and which not. I know that if I continue being the "chameleon" that I am, I will never find happiness within myself, and that is my true one and overall goal. Anybody know how to make a chamelon stop shedding its skin? Short of death?


What da fuk you jus say?