I'm dying!!!! (No, not really)

I will begin this by saying, “Pardon whatever I write; I have drunk a half bottle of Riesling (white wine) already.”

Now that that’s out of the way, on with the blog!

It’s the first day of my 30s and oddly enough, it’s been…normal. No, that’s not entirely true. I have spent the day with some amazing people at the PLUS summer camp in Chelmsford who made the morning really special. But I always imagined 30 to be a really important birthday. When Corey turned 30, I threw him a surprise party. I don’t really expect or have that kind of expectation here.

But when I woke up this morning I didn’t feel any different. In fact, I feel…liberated. Really. I feel like I’ve crossed into some new realm of existence where my past indiscretions don’t really matter and I can finally, truly, completely be myself.

You see, even while being in England, I have regressed into all those aspects I hated about myself previously. I became needy, complacent, agreeable (to a fault). I didn’t stand up for myself or say what I wanted from someone. Last year, I would have immediately broken off a relationship the moment I felt like just another girl, but this year, I let it ride. Endured the unhappiness and uncertainty. For another three months. And I wasn’t even the one who broke it off. Sad, but true.

But now that it’s over, now that I am, again, alone on my birthday, I remember what it was I came to England to do—be me. No, England does not have any special powers that allow me to be someone else (see paragraph above), but what it does have is possibility. I love that I am American, especially being overseas. We may bitch and moan about how we are treated domestically but when Americans are abroad, we have the best protection a birthright can buy. But I don’t feel comfortable in America. I don’t feel like I make sense (if that makes any sense). It’s strange when you move away because when you go back (as I’ve noticed from my mates who’ve left England and returned), you don’t quite fit. The whole “square peg, round hole” analogy again (it’s fairly useful in any situation, really). And I know that if I were to return to America, regardless of the state, I would feel…different. Such a vague word, but it’s the best I can muster at the moment (again, half a bottle of Riesling and no dinner; don’t judge too harshly).

That’s not my point, though. I love the US with all the heart an American can love it, but again, not my point. My point is that, at the dawn of this new decade in my life, where people may ACTUALLY take me seriously, I am embarking, yet again, on another life cycle. I reread all of my blogs tonight, and I remember just how full of possibility I was last year. So, on the first day of a new decade, I make this new resolution: to be myself. No frills, no hiding. No accommodating or standing on the sidelines. To be whoever I am, unashamedly. It will be tough. Hell, I will probably have to read this three or four times to remind myself, but I am pretty fucking awesome, and to deny someone that awesomeness is to deny them, well, me.

So, that’s my resolution, my 30s mantra, if you will. Stop fussing, stop worrying, remember what it’s like to live. And laugh. And love. With all my being. Because if I do anything, it’s feel in extremes. And I’m beginning to feel extremely tipsy right now, to be honest, so off to bed, and a new decade of life! :)