A Little Bit of Me...

This will not be my only post this month, but holding back what keeps fighting to get out only makes whatever it is want to get out more. So in an effort to avoid this, I penned a poem. It's a little bit emo, but I've come to accept that I'm a little bit emo; comes with being so open with my emotions.

The logical part of me wants to delete this poem because it's just a reflection of how I can't let go of past hurts. But then, the more I fight it, the more entrenched those hurts become. Maybe by penning and publishing this, I can finally let them free, let them go, let them haunt some other space besides my head and my heart. So, here it is:

I know because you're there
In the way I remember your name
Through those half-forced sighs
In the way I remember my body
Slumped in self-defeat
In the way I remember my cries
Muffled among my tears
In the way I remember waiting for you
Only to be joined by silence
Fifteen years
Of equating “love” and “sex”
Fifteen years
Of disappearing into you
Fifteen years
Of a thousand “What if"s
What if I were…
      …thinner?
      …taller?
      …smarter?
      …dumber?
      …darker?
      …frailer?
      …wilder?
      …weaker?
      …better?
      …perfect?

But I never could be,
Always aspiring to whatever form
Of perfection you desired.
You, who loved stick thin beauties with dark hair,
And you, who loved pale Southern belles.
You, who loved smart girls,
As long as they weren’t smarter than you,
And you who loved everyone…
But me.

And those are just the major players;
There were others.
Smaller ones
Whose tiny flames
Still added to my angry fire,
My lonely future.
Angry because I cannot trust
Lonely because I cannot live.
I know
Because you’re there
Every time something goes wrong
Every time I think I’m happy
You’re there,
You’re all there,
To remind me
How imperfect I am
And how, nobody
Not one person
Can love me;
Not
Even
Me.

Again, this is not meant to get comforting comments or exclamations of "It's okay!" or "Get over it!"; my own brain berates me with those phrases enough as it is. No, this is purely meant to send these negative emotions into the ether in hopes of ridding myself of them forever. Yes, I know it's not entirely fair what I've written, and yes, I know I'm being melodramatic, but it's my blog, my poem, MY feelings, so please don't demean them. Again, my brain does that enough as it is.

Thank you for reading, though; however you may feel about it...